Leading a team outside your expertise backfires when you over-apologize for what you do not know and forget to lead with what you do bring. Lia’s move is to name the limitation once, then immediately lay out a concrete commitment to each team member so they see your value from day one. This episode is especially useful for new leaders stepping into cross-functional roles or anyone promoted to manage a discipline they have never practiced.
This episode is part of the New Manager Essentials & First-Time Leaders series. Browse all episodes →
Mic drop moments
“Managing a former peer is the hardest situation for most of us. It is the thing that we get wrong so many times.”
“Don’t sweep it under the rug, don’t downplay it, don’t act like nothing’s different because it’s totally different.”
“You were chosen for this role. It’s awesome. Good job. That’s cool. Recognize it.”
“…moving from peer or friend to manager, it is a different job, it’s a different relationship.”
Episode highlights
Why “I already know this person” is a trap
Most people assume managing a former peer will be the easy version of management. You skip the awkward getting-to-know-you phase, you already understand how they work, and the relationship is already warm. Lia’s take: that assumption is exactly what blows things up. When you think it should be easy, you stop doing the work that makes it go well. The expectation gap makes the eventual fallout even harder.
The personal story that proves it
Lia shares the time she was promoted to manage a close friend, someone she ate lunch with every day and hung out with on weekends. She went in thinking it would be seamless. Instead, she avoided addressing performance gaps because it felt awkward, downplayed the promotion to avoid seeming like she was gloating, and told her friend, essentially, “this is just a technicality, everything stays the same.” A few weeks in, she could see real performance issues that the previous manager had never addressed. Indirect feedback went nowhere. Eventually a blunt comment triggered a blowout that nearly ended in an HR complaint. A situation that could have been small became a crisis, all because the reset conversation never happened.
Step 1: Name the change out loud
Do not sweep the role shift under the rug. Do not act like nothing is different, because everything is different. Have a direct conversation with each team member: “I know we were peers, I know we were friends, but our working relationship has changed. Let’s reset.” Naming it takes away the unspoken weirdness and gives both people a clear starting line.
Step 2: Set expectations and use what you already know
The reset conversation is also where you share your leadership style, your vision for the team, and what you need from each person. If you know a former peer wants a promotion, name it directly: “I know you’re eager to grow. Here’s what I’m committing to do to help you get there, and here’s what I need from you.” The fact that you already know their goals is a superpower, not a reason to skip the conversation. Use that knowledge to build trust fast and give them a concrete reason to be bought in.
Step 3: Own your authority without being on a high horse
The instinct to downplay the promotion, to say “who knows why they picked me, we’re all still equal here,” feels humble but it is actually corrosive. If someone was already wondering why you got the role, you confirming their doubt does not help them. It tells them they have a manager who is not going to advocate for them or lead them anywhere. Instead, Lia’s move is to say clearly: “I’m proud to be leading this team. Here’s my vision. Here’s how I show up.” You were chosen. Act like it.
What happens when you do all three
Lia did these three things consistently in every manager role after the blowout, and the dynamic shifted completely. Former peers told her they were seeing her in a new light and were more excited to work together than before. The buy-in that follows is not just good for morale; it prevents the low-engagement, just-doing-my-job dynamic that drains time, energy, and confidence from everyone. The transition from peer to manager does not have to be a mess. It just requires the intentionality most new leaders skip.
Related episodes in this cluster
- Ep 199: Why no one likes being a manager (and what to actually do about it). Most managers dislike their role not because they lack care, but because 60 to 70 percent of them were handed the job with zero training and forced to learn in front of their teams. Lia breaks down the three real reasons managing feels so hard right now and argues that waiting for your company to fix it is not a strategy. This episode is for anyone currently managing, responsible for managers, or wondering whether they even want the role.
- Ep 179: How to overcome imposter syndrome as a new leader (and get your team’s buy-in fast). Imposter syndrome does not go away, but the best leaders stop letting it run the show. Lia shares a three-step framework, setting your leadership intention, owning the reasons you were chosen, and re-enlisting each team member around their goals, that can turn a skeptical team into bought-in collaborators in as few as three conversations. This episode is especially useful for first-time managers, newly promoted leaders, and anyone stepping into a peer-to-manager transition.
- Ep 172: You got promoted. Now what? The truth about leading for the first time. Becoming a manager is not the same job with extra meetings. It is a fundamentally different role that requires a deliberate mindset shift, a defined leadership intention, and the confidence to own your new title from day one. This episode is essential for anyone who was just promoted, is leading former peers, or is still figuring out what kind of leader they want to be.
- Ep 162: How to lead a team outside your area of expertise without losing their respect. Leading a team outside your expertise backfires when you over-apologize for what you do not know and forget to lead with what you do bring. Lia’s move is to name the limitation once, then immediately lay out a concrete commitment to each team member so they see your value from day one. This episode is especially useful for new leaders stepping into cross-functional roles or anyone promoted to manage a discipline they have never practiced.
Want to go deeper?
The New Manager Playbook. Lia’s bestselling guide to leading a team for the first time.
Full transcript (click to expand)
You’re managing a former peer, someone you’re on the same teams with, or a friend of yours. It seems like what could be easier? I already know this person. I already know how they work. We talk every day. This is going to be so easy. Well, guess what? Managing a former peer is the hardest situation for most of us. It is the thing that we get wrong so many times. And if we don’t set up right, this is going to blow up the whole team, and it’s going to lead to someone leaving either you or that former friend, former peer.
I’m telling you. And this is something we get wrong all the time. I got it wrong my first few times managing, frankly, because we oversimplify it. We think, well, again, I already know that person. It’s going to be easy. It’s all the same. Or we try to downplay ourselves. We say, I’m the manager, but it’s just technicality. We’re all still friends here. No, no, no. Those things that we think that conceptually should make it easier or we kind of hope will make it easier, leaning into those false assumptions is going to make it a disaster.
That’s why you want to tune in today. I’m Leah Garvin, and this is The New Manager Playbook, where I share tools, tips, and stories to make managing your team the easiest part of your job. And what’s harder than having a freaking shitstorm because you thought you were entering the easiest situation? Now, I think a lot of us agree to become managers in this situation because we think it’s going to be easy. And then that expectation tanks, and that makes it even harder.
So I talked before about my first time managing and why in a similar capacity, this was really hard. But that was more with a peer. We were friendly, but it wasn’t like a good friend of mine. Now, managing a good friend of mine, oh, it was even worse than that other example I shared. Because here is where there was also some letdown and some kind of interpersonal relationships that really showed up. And that’s what I hear all the time.
So after managing a few people here and there, I was on a team and had developed a really great relationship, friendship with another person on the team. We went to lunch together every day. We hung out on the weekends. It was like us against the world. And then I was promoted to become the manager. And I was really excited because, hey, I knew this person and she was awesome. We had so much fun together. And I thought, yes, I’d love to be the manager.
I can help bring out the best in her. She can help elevate me, whatever. And that was not the case. It was not the case at all. Because we were friends, I was like, well, she’s not really doing all her work, but I don’t know. I can kind of help her out here and there. She’s not really listening to what I’m telling her, but I mean, whatever, it can’t be that bad. So I didn’t address everything.
I also, when I became the manager, I was kind of worried because she also had been wanting to grow in her career. I had been promoted and she was wanting to get promoted and she hadn’t been promoted. And I was worried that I was going to come across as like, look at me now, I’m the best. So I downplayed it. And I said, oh, you know, it’s so exciting. I’m the manager now. And I was like, you know, we’re going to really grow you into, then you can manage a team and let’s just keep everything the same.
This is kind of a technicality. I literally probably said those words. And then she was like, okay, cool. That sounds awesome. I’d love for you to be my manager with no accountability and expectations. So that was another place I went wrong. I downplayed myself, I didn’t really set expectations. And then after a few weeks, I started seeing that her performance wasn’t that great. Now that I had insight into the day-to-day of her work, not just as peers, but as overseeing it, I realized there was a lot of gaps and things that my previous manager, our shared manager hadn’t addressed.
And I’m like, oh shit, like I, now this is on me. I started to become worried and frustrated and kind of irritated at my own manager for not having dealt with some of this stuff. But you know, that’s the case when anyone, you know, you become a manager of anyone, you’re going to inherit something. And I started to think, well, I kind of need to address some of these things. I need to do something about this.
So I would sort of give a little bit of feedback here and there, and she would kind of not really get it because it was very indirect. And then eventually I said, hey, you know, I don’t feel like you’re respecting me. And it was a huge blowout. She said, okay, you know, I’m going to HR and I can’t believe you’re talking to me this way. And it just like blew up so big. Something that really could have been such a small thing by handling it differently.
Now we resolve this and I’ll actually save the story of how we resolved our personal relationship for a conflict episode later, because my manager are, you know, at the time she really supported us in having a conversation to get through that. But what I will say is I learned so much about what I would have done differently. And that is what I want to share with you. Because the mistakes that I made of acting like nothing was different, of downplaying myself, of just kind of jumping right in and saying like, yeah, it’s all the same.
We’ll see how it goes. Those mistakes that again, intuitively seem like the right way to handle it. That is what sabotages it for you. Because you establish no authority as a leader and the person, you know, they’re going to take the cue from you and it’s like, okay, well, nothing’s different. Why would I do anything differently? So here is what you want to do instead. And this is what I talk about in the new manager playbook, because it is something that happens to so many of us.
And I’ll tell you before I dive into the strategies, the question of how do I manage former peers? How do I manage former friends? It is one I get almost every single day. And it’s because most of us become a manager on a team we’re already on. We don’t always get the opportunity to hire, you know, a full team or, you know, we move to a new role and then become the manager there, right? Or we start a new job.
A lot of the times we’re already a peer. So this is something you are going to need to know how to do, even if today you’re not managing a peer, right? And if you are leading organizations and managing managers, this is something you want to set your people up for so well. Because in my case, my manager had to get very much involved in helping sort this thing out because it was a freaking mess, right? And so what I would have done differently and what I do the next time that was game changing and I never had this problem again after I did this would be these things.
First and foremost, when you become a manager of a team, you were a peers or friends on, you have a new role, you have to stop and acknowledge, okay, I have a different job now. And not only does that mean my day to day is different, how I interact with my team is very different. Have conversations with each of your team members to check in and say like, hey, I know we were friends before, I know we worked together on the team for a long time, but let’s reset our relationship.
It’s totally different now. The game has changed, the expectations of each other has changed. So let’s start there. The first thing we’ve got to do is name it, name the change. Don’t sweep it under the rug, don’t downplay it, don’t act like nothing’s different because it’s totally different. So step one is naming the change, setting up a conversation to talk about, okay, things have changed, let’s figure this out. Now step two is having this conversation where you set expectations, you first share what is your leadership style, what are you excited about for the team, what vision do you have, what are some things that you are really eager to bring to the table?
So in the case with my team member, knowing she had been wanting to get promoted, I could have said, hey, it seems like a lot’s the same because we know each other, we hang out, but let’s reset because our working relationship is going to be different than hanging out on the weekends. That’s how I would have started. And I’d say, I know you’re really eager for promotion, and I commit to doing the best I can do to get you there.
Here’s how I’m going to do that. And here’s what I need from you, right? Showing up in this way, meeting the expectations we set, following through. So this is a really great opportunity, and it almost gives you a leg up because you already know the people. So you actually may have a lot of insight into their aspirations, into their interests, into their goals. Use that as a superpower, not as something that makes it like, well, I don’t have to do about it in this case.
You actually have ammunition for trust building, and for them to feel like, this person’s got my back. This is especially powerful if you’re only promoted one rung on the ladder above them, and they’re looking at you thinking, well, there’s not a lot of growth there. Address that straight up. Say, hey, I know having a manager that’s only one rung above you on the ladder may feel like there’s not a lot of options here. I’ve been there.
Here’s what I’m committing to do, bringing visibility to your work, putting you in these situations where you can be showcasing your different things, giving you these opportunities, working with you to figure out what your goals are. So you start to talk about that. Now the person’s seeing you in a very different light, right? You’re not just peers. You’re saying, wow, this person is showing up really ready to lead. This dynamic will change. The relationship should change.
But it’s going to be changing in a favor that this person’s like, yes, I’m bought into this. And the third thing we got to do is not downplay our expertise. Because we’re feeling like we don’t want people to think we think we’re so great now. We don’t want to be on our high horse. We don’t want that person that comes in like, hey, new sheriff in town, listen to me. We don’t want to do that. So I see what happens more often than not.
What I’ve done more often than not has been like, hey, we’re all learning from each other. No one’s hierarchy. It’s not true. Don’t say that. You can be humble. You can express a collaborative work style and management style without totally downplaying and be like, who knows why I got the job. That is going to undermine your credibility so much. Because even if people are thinking, why did they get it over me, and they’re feeling a little bit frustrated by that because they thought you were all the same, you reinforcing that fear or that frustration is going to make them think, not only am I mad that you got this job, but I know you’re not cut out for it at all.
And now I don’t have a manager that’s going to get me to where I want to go. Like bad, bad, double bad, right? It’s just not the way to show up as a leader. Downplaying yourself and acting like, who will see? So instead of that, step three is saying, I’m really excited to be here. I’m really eager to really live into this opportunity and lean into this. I’m really proud that I can be leading this team.
And again, expressing the vision you have for the team overall, some of the things that you’re excited about, really owning it. And again, this is where I encourage you to share, what is your vision as a leader? What’s your intention? What is your work style? Those kinds of things. So you demonstrate that you have thought this through. It wasn’t an accident. You were picked to be the manager here. It’s not mistake. It’s not a wrong choice that you have the vision for this team and you’re going to show up.
And we all know that great leaders elevate and amplify their teams, right? Great leaders aren’t just like, I’m the boss now, follow what I’m saying. So it’s not about doing that. It’s about really holding your own. You were chosen for this role. It’s awesome. Good job. That’s cool. Recognize it. So show up in that way and say, hey, I have a real opportunity to show up for my team and demonstrate to them that they have someone that’s going to help them accomplish their goals, make priorities clear, help them get their jobs done more effectively.
So show up in that way. And when, like I said, when I did those three things, the next time after the one that was not so good, when I did that, and frankly, I did that in every manager role after, because even if you’re not peers, it’s still really important to kind of set that stage. But for folks that I was peers with, game changing. And I saw our relationship improve and flourish in such a different way.
They said, gosh, I hadn’t seen you in this light before, and I’m even more excited to be working with you now. And it builds so much confidence, both in you as a leader and in that person that you are here to help them get where they want to go. And there’s nothing more powerful that creates more buy-in. It is so expensive from a time, energy, stress perspective to have team members that are just dragging, low engagement, thinking like, okay, I’m just here to do the job.
And it’s demoralizing when it’s people that you are friends with that are doing that. And you’re like, great, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to do this. You can overcome all that by coming in in this way with this intentionality to being a leader. I have experienced it, transformed my experiences as a manager. And it’s something that I wish I knew sooner. So again, think about this, write it down, internalize it, even if you’re not managing peers.
And if you are overseeing teams of managers and folks, think about how can you ensure that folks are really applying these strategies, share the episode with them, right? Talk through it and really make sure your managers are set up for success here. Because moving from peer or friend to manager, it is a different job, it’s a different relationship. And it is one of the places I see folks get the most stuck, I assure you, but it doesn’t have to be.
See you next time.
Questions this episode answers
How do I transition from peer to manager without making things awkward with former coworkers?
The first thing you have to do is name the change directly. Don't sweep it under the rug or act like nothing is different, because everything is different. Set up a one-on-one with each team member and say something like: I know we worked side by side and we know each other well, but let's reset our working relationship because the dynamic has genuinely shifted. Skipping this conversation is what creates the awkwardness. Naming it upfront gives both of you a foundation to work from instead of tiptoeing around something everyone already feels.
Should I downplay my promotion when managing someone who also wanted to get promoted?
No, and this is one of the most common mistakes new leaders make. Saying things like 'it's just a technicality' or 'we're all still equals here' actually makes things worse. It signals to your team member that you don't believe you earned the role, which gives them no confidence that you can help them grow. Instead, acknowledge that they wanted to advance, commit to helping them get there, and be specific about how you will support them. Owning your role is what earns their trust, not minimizing it.
What should I actually say in the first meeting with a former friend I'm now managing?
Start by acknowledging the shift openly. You might say: our weekend hangouts and our working relationship are two different things now, and I want us both to be clear on that. Then share your leadership style, what you are excited to bring to the team, and what you need from them. If they have been wanting a promotion, say it out loud: I know you are eager to grow, here is what I commit to doing to help you get there, and here is what I need from you in return. Using what you already know about their goals is a real advantage, so use it.
Why do so many new managers struggle when they are promoted over their friends or peers?
It feels like it should be easier because you already know the person, but that familiarity is exactly what makes it harder. Most new leaders either avoid addressing performance issues because it feels uncomfortable with a friend, or they downplay their own authority to keep the peace. Both approaches backfire. The person takes the cue from you, and if you are acting like nothing changed, they will too. That leads to unclear expectations, unaddressed gaps in performance, and eventually a much bigger conflict than would have happened if you had set things up clearly from the start.
How do I establish authority as a manager without coming across as arrogant to people I used to be equals with?
You do not have to choose between being humble and being credible. You can be collaborative and still own your role. The key is to show that you have a real vision for the team and that you have thought seriously about how to lead. Share what you are excited about, what you want to accomplish, and how you plan to support each person's growth. That is what earns respect. What undermines it is saying things like 'who knows why I got this job.' Even if your former peers are frustrated about the promotion, hearing you doubt yourself only makes it worse.