Why being the boss does not automatically earn you respect (and what actually does)

I think there is a thing of some people who are wired for like, oh, person authority, I will defer to them. I think some people are like, hey, I kind of reject authority. And I think there’s a lot of us in the middle where we kind of have to feel more buy-in. And this is something I coach folks on all the time. Welcome to the Managing Made Simple podcast, where you get a masterclass in managing your team with ease in 15 minutes or less.

I’m Leah Garvin, your host and team operations consultant. Through this show and my programs with small businesses and corporate teams, I condense a decade of experience driving team operations in some of the most influential companies in tech into strategies to save you time, money, and most of all, stress. It doesn’t matter if you’re a business owner who realized that running a team isn’t as easy as you thought it would be, are a new manager learning the ropes, or a seasoned manager ready to up their game.

Everyone is welcome to hang out with Managing Made Simple. From conflicts to feedback to delegating and more, we leave no stone unturned when it comes Welcome back to the show. Today, I am talking about that situation that we’ve all been in, that we become a new manager or we start a new team or we hire some folks or we get a promotion and we think that it should come with some implied respect that folks will just kind of follow suit, follow direction.

And we’re sitting here wondering, Hey, I’m the boss. I’m in charge. Like, why is this such a struggle? Why are people not just following what I’m asking them to do? And I’ve been in this situation before when I moved from being a team that I was peers with folks to managing folks that I had been peers with. And I thought, well, hey, they deferred to our shared boss before yesterday. Why now that I’m in charge, are they like, I don’t know about this?

I’ve heard that from a lot of folks. It really shows up when we are managing former friends or folks that we were colleagues with. But I’ve also heard this in situations where, you know, you’re promoted to an executive role or you have hired a new team of employees, you know, as a business owner and folks come in and you’re like, it’s more than them just not following directions. It’s like they’re not really respecting authority in the way that maybe we would do or we feel like should be a little bit easier to garner.

And when I think about this, I think about my five-year-old daughter who literally any time we’re in a situation where there’s like someone that appears to be running the show, it could be at the library, someone’s like reading storybooks or it could be at, you know, a farmer’s market, someone’s playing a guitar and she’s like, or her teacher in preschool, she’s always like, ooh, this person’s in charge. We should go listen to them. And I’m like, oh, when do we lose that?

Is it just some people are wired that way and some people aren’t? And I hope she stays that way because it makes things a lot easier when we’re out of the house because she doesn’t always listen to me at home. But I think there is a thing of some people are wired for like, oh, person authority, I will defer to them. I think some people are like, hey, I don’t, I kind of reject authority. And I think there’s a lot of us in the middle where we kind of have to feel more buy-in.

And this is something I coach folks on all the time. Managers, folks new to managing, especially of like, I’m new to this role. And I thought when I became a manager, it would like, boom, come with some respect. And, and now I’m feeling like I have to start from scratch. Like I didn’t even get this manager title. Folks that have gotten promoted into more leadership responsibility, this hurts really bad. We think I worked so hard to get to this.

I fought so hard to be able to hire and grow my team. And now I feel like, again, I’m starting over. I have to rebuild everything. This happens to business owners all the time that you’ve hired folks. Maybe you have, you’re, you’ve managing some people that you knew in the past, or you had different relationships with, um, you know, maybe they’re friends or family or, or you were colleagues in the past, or you knew them from some other spaces or, you know, you’ve grown a big team or you’re having to create managers within your company.

And you’re feeling like I, I am the boss. Like, hello, I’ve asked for this stuff to happen. Now, this is different from the episode I did recently around like, why aren’t my team members listening to me? Why I’m not repeating myself. That is all about creating a sense of personal accountability. And I would recommend if that’s really what you’re struggling with, go back to episode 135, because that is one really about when you have a team and you’ve gotten in the groove, but you’re still feeling like you have to repeat yourself.

This conversation today is really more about, ugh, I’m in this role and I feel like it’s just not catching on. And so I wanted to share three things that can go a really long way to establish you as this leader, whether it is that you’ve newly hired folks or you’re managing former friends, which I will do another episode specifically on that because that is a really tough one that I think when we get stuck in that, a lot of these rules, we need to kind of like dial up the intentionality with these different things.

Um, or you have, you know, been promoted and do a more, maybe an executive role in your whole relationship. Kind of your scope has changed. Now, how do we assert that authority, right? Where it doesn’t just come for free, but really bring people back along that like, yeah, I am, I am the boss, you know, like I am in charge. And first and foremost, we got to do this in any new situation. Okay. Okay. But it’s really, you know, here more than anywhere is we have to build relationships with our team members so that they see that we are bought into them as team members, as humans, we understand what their goals are.

We understand what their aspirations are and that we are advocating and working on their behalf. Okay. If our team members don’t think that, and they think, you know, we’re just trying to get something out of them or we’re just out for ourselves or whatever assumption they may make, even if it’s completely off base, if our team members don’t feel seen and heard and respected by us, they’re not going to respect us back, right? Why would we?

And so the first thing when we are in a new management situation, we have to spend a good amount of time. I’m not saying months. Okay. I’m not saying 10 hours a day. We have to spend a reasonable amount of time connecting with folks one-on-one asking them about themselves, having conversations around career so that we demonstrate, not only am I interested in you, but we can then re like, we can follow through on that. So we can say, Hey, when we talked about your interest in becoming a manager, you know, I identified this project for you where you’re going to get to oversee some different things and show your leadership capacities.

And when you talked about your interest in growing into this new role, like moving more into an operational capacity, this kind of project is going to give you some concrete experience so that you can demonstrate that when it’s time to, you know, move into the promotion or whatever. Okay. So you’re not only learning it just to have the conversation to pretend that you cared, you’re, you’re learning it so that you can follow up and follow through.

Now, this is especially important if you are managing folks like in a corporate setting that your position of hierarchy is not that much higher than your team members. So in a, in, in, you know, some of the corporate companies I’ve worked in the past, they have numbered levels. Let’s say you’re a level five and, and your team members are a level four, right? And so there’s not a big gap. If you’re a level 10 teamers lower for they see, okay, there’s six rungs of promotions.

I have to go through to be where you’re at. It’s a little bit easier to get the buy-in of like, Hey, I have my radar out for your career growth. If you are kind of one step ahead of them on the, you know, career hierarchy in your company, it’s really important to communicate to them that I’m not going to be a blocker for you. I’m not going to be a ceiling. I’m still out there looking for opportunities for you to advance and to have that conversation early and to talk about and say, Hey, I know it might be a little bit weird because we are pretty close.

Here’s some of the goals I have, and here’s how, and you share your goals and here’s how I’m going to help you get there. That is going to build so much trust because when we get a manager that we don’t see like a lot of, you know, distance between them and us, we’re like, why don’t I get to just do this? Right? And so we want to alleviate that concern. Do you want some hands-on support for all of the topics I talk about on this show?

Like a team expert who has worked within tech giants like Apple and Google, as well as small businesses on hand to help you delegate and get out of the weeds, handle tough conversations with team members, put in your hiring strategy and get your teams to help bring in more revenue. Then it’s time to sign up for my Team Whisperer Consulting Sprint. For 90 days, you have me in your back pocket to help you navigate any and every issue happening on your team.

DM me the word sprint on Instagram or email me at hello at leahgarvin.com and let’s build your unstoppable team. The next thing we, we really have to still assert ourselves as a leader. If it’s your first time managing, if you’re in a new situation, if you hadn’t managed in this capacity before, maybe you have a way larger team or you’re managing managers, or you’ve changed industries or you’ve got a new promotion. It’s totally different. Um, or you, like I said, are managing people that you were friends with.

All those situations might feel new. Our imposter feelings might tell us to say, Oh, I’m new to this. Give me, cut me some slag or like whatever, downplay your expertise, downplay your authority. Do not do that because your team needs to feel like you do have your stuff together, right? That you are here for a reason that you can help them advance. If you don’t demonstrate that confidence in that foundation, why would they believe in you?

Why would they listen to you? Why would they respect you? Cause they’re thinking like, Oh, I don’t want to have my career on the line as someone that’s like, help. I don’t know if I’m good at this. Right? So there is a way to balance asserting your authority and being empathetic and compassionate again, building that relationship. And some of the ways we do that are saying, Hey, you know, I want to share what my pro you know, I’m new to this team.

I’d love to share what my process is for immersing myself in a new team. So typically I meet with people one-on-one and then I put together some ideas and then I collect feedback. When you describe the thing that you’re doing as a framework or a process, it carries a lot of weight. Hey, think about that. As opposed to like, Hey, I’m just going to meet with some folks and then like, see what happens. Right. Bring confidence to your approach because you are using an approach.

You are here for a reason. You are managing for a reason. You are leading for a reason. So don’t throw that away trying to sort of build connection and act like, I don’t think I’m that important because what’s going to happen is going to make your team members scared and worried that you can’t help them with their careers. So along with, with really articulating, what is your process for getting up to speed or being able to support their goals?

And you could say, Hey, I like to learn about all my team members, career goals so that I can have my radar opportunities along with that sharing. What is your point of view or your style as a leader? You might say, I also would like to share more about my leadership style. You know, I’m someone that likes to roll up my sleeves and get into the weeds, solve some problems, but I also don’t want a micromanager.

So I would like to invite feedback to you that as I become immersed to, to help, help me catch myself, I’m getting a little bit too deep in the weeds, demonstrating that humility and self-awareness, and then also asking for feedback right away. That’s going to go a long way to build trust. We also want to talk about, you know, how do we have conversations about how we communicate? This is one of the biggest things too, that we can avoid when we’re new in a situation.

We can think, Hey, just kind of figure it out as I go. Especially if you’ve known some of these people before, I already know how to talk to all of them. Like we’ve talked in the past. You have not talked in this capacity. And this is a big one for managing former friends that it’s not the same situation. It is completely different. If you have hired your cousin or your sister, how is you like growing up as children and talking to each other the same as you being their employer?

It is not the same. so do not ruin this situation and like sabotage it for yourself and, and this team member by acting like everything is the same. Your team members will respect you and listen to you no matter what their relationship in the past has been. If there was one, when you say, Hey, this situation is different than other interactions. Let’s talk about how to have hard feedback. Let’s talk about how we want to talk about money and in compensation.

How do you want to be recognized and appreciated? Okay. Because we don’t know that about people. Even if we knew them in other circles in the past, we don’t know the nuances of how they are at work because we haven’t worked with them before. Now when you’re navigating this with people, you don’t know before then that you’re just meeting. This is a little bit easier because you’re not bringing any baggage with your preconceived notions. You still got to have that conversation.

What’s your feedback style? Again, how do you want to hear difficult news? What are some of the ways that you want to be recognized? How do you, what, how do you respond when you’re under a lot of pressure? Do you want to, you know, how do you want to load balance? All these different things come up and these are important things to ask folks. And when you ask these things proactively, you’re probably asking them questions that other people never really asked them because so few managers out there actually stop and say like, let’s figure out how we want to communicate.

So you are going to demonstrate that I bring, again, intentionality. I have an approach. I am, I am bringing some expertise to this role. So the combination of building the relationship of talking about your process and your framework for becoming immersed on a team, and then talking about how you want to have conversations, this is going to really show, wow, this person gets it. This person gets it. This person is taking this job seriously. This person is here to help me in my career.

And when people see that you’re in it for them, they will be in it for you. That’s how you get that respect. That’s how you get them to say, oh yeah, I’m like this person. I want this person to be my boss. Right? I am happy that this is the change that has been made because this person is going to help me fully realize my full potential. And when you’ve got that, you have unlocked all the secrets to a highly effective team because your team members are going to step up proactively.

All right, give it a try. See you next time. That’s all I have for today. Thank you so much for tuning into the Managing Made Simple podcast, where my goal is to demystify the job of people management so that together we can make the workplace somewhere everyone can thrive. With that said, let’s spread the word. If you love this episode, please pass it along to someone who might benefit from it. See you next time.